Bagel superfreak

Let's start with bagels. Montreal bagels are sweet and doughy, not like those salty lumps they have in New York. The two main bagel shops are St Viateur Bagels (263 Rue St. Viateur O., 514 276 8044), and Fairmount Bagels (74 Ave. Fairmount O., 514 272 0667). I'll admit, they both taste very similar. St. Viateur is more well known and has outlets all over the city, but at Fairmount Bagels, the people there are just so friendly and awesome. Every time you walk in there and look behind the counter, the kitchen is a veritable United Nations. Gone are those days when bagels were just a Jewish phenomenon. The work in itself is an amazing craft: you can see the beads of sweat rolling down the bakers faces as they knead the dough, slide it into the oven with a long wooden paddle, and then flip the finished product into a huge basket, where they are cooled before being sold to the hungry masses. The whole process is so mesmerizing, that before you know it you've inhaled half a dozen sesame bagels on the way out. The garlic bagel is also a great bet, and will protect you in case you happen upon a vampire convention.

Smoked meat

Hands down, nowhere else to go but Schwartz's (3895 St. Laurent, 514 842 4813). There are three constants about this place: first, there will always be a lineup (which surprisingly goes very quickly) no matter what time you go during the day; second, the quality of the food is second to none, and third, there is always a guy panhandling for change, capitalizing on the bustling business inside. Note, this is not the best place to come for a tête a tête. Most of the time, you will be seated with a bunch of complete strangers who undoubtedly will eavesdrop on your conversation, giving you every right to talk loudly about their flaws in the third person.

But, that is part of the whole Schwartz's experience - order a fountain drink, fries, and a medium-fat sandwich (lean is for wusses) with a pickle. When the sandwich comes, it may look a tad small, but you'll be full until halfway into your next meal. These guys know their portions here, why do you think they've been in business since 1927 you picky jerk? Sorry, I'm getting a little carried away here..

Getting a Schwartz's sandwich to go is also a good option. Despite the lineup of people leaving town with practically the entire window of meat, when it gets to your turn there will still be enough. Also, the guys behind the counter are so darned charming, you wonder if you can pack them up to go with your order.

Poutine

Pillar number three is poutine. There are three main elements that you need for a great poutine:

1. insanely hot gravy, which in effect is hot enough to melt the
2. mild cheddar cheese curds, and is absorbed by
3. fresh cut fries made from Yukon gold potatoes.

All being said and done, the best place to get poutine is La Banquise (994 Rue Rachel Est, 514 525 2415), where you can get the classic, or go off the starboard side with stuff like sausage and duck. On the gourmet poutine side, I know of a mythical place called Au Pied a Cochon (536 Ave Duluth E, 514 281 1114) whose signature dish is poutine with foie gras. Good luck getting reservations though, I've tried about 4 times to no avail.

Shish Taouk

Lastly, is shish taouk. Basically, you have this huge rotating slab of meat (I usually get chicken), the guy shaves some of it off, and along with some lettuce, onion, a pink turnip, tomatoes, and a special sauce, wraps this baby into a pita, and ta da! It's your shish taouk. Now, bear in mind that shish taouk joints come a dime a dozen in Montreal, but there are two notables: Boustan, and Basha. Boustan (2020A Crescent, 514 843 3576) isn't exactly the best place for atmosphere (read: as soon as you walk in it's like their exhaust fan is working in reverse), but the shish taouks here are out of this world. Their secret weapon: a toasted pita (the rumour also goes that they lace the pita with LSD and that is why it is so good). Seriously, it's all in the details. If you're looking for a standard shish taouk with perfectly moist chicken, head over to Basha (1202, 977 or 930 Rue St. Catherine O., 514 393 3970). And if you are on St. Laurent, go to Fattouch (3673 St. Laurent), just because their name is kind of funny and they have awesome garlic potatoes.

Other awesome places:

Lest you tire of the four pillars of Montreal cuisine, these other joints are delicious options:

L'Avenue du Plateau (922 Mont Royal E., 514 523 8780):
This place is, hands down, my favourite breakfast spot in the world. Although it's a little on the pricey side and there is often an hour wait to get in, it's well worth it. These people have the best smoothies I have ever had in my life ($5-$7, try the Strawberry-Mango smoothie) as well as delectable crepes with perfectly ripened fruit even in the dead of winter ($8-$12), and amazing Eggs Benedict ($10-$15, try the Benedictine Bretonne). The whole trip to L'Avenue is not complete without going to their bathroom. I kid you not, go even if you don't have to go.

Mikado (1731 St. Denis, 514 844 5705)

This is the place for ultra (and every other superlative here) delectable and inventive Japanese cuisine. In addition to the usual rolls, try the Mikado Surprise ($11), which is seared tuna with a crispy tempura outer layer in a light soy sauce. Another favourite of mine is the Indochine ($10), which is a normall roll but covered in rice paper instead of nori. You won't know what hit you.

Juliette et Chocolat (1615 Rue St. Denis, 514 287 3555)

In case you didn't have your fill at Mikado, down the street is Juliette et Chocolat. Everything here is made of chocolate and by default, really delicious. Try the namesake salad, with blue cheese, sourdough crepe, raspberry chocolate dressing, pears and mixed greens.

Calories (4114 Rue St. Catherine, 514 933 8186)

Not only is this dessert out of this world (try the mango cheesecake or the hot apple tart a la mode with caramel sauce, holy moly) but what really makes the place is the really funny brown waiter. If you could clone him and bring him everywhere with you, everyday would be a holiday.

Mango Bay (1202 Rue Bishop, 514 875 7082)

This baby is located a short walk away from Ste Catherine street, but when you walk in there you could swear you were some Caribbean island far, far away. Coincidentally, there always seems to be one Jamaican man consistently at the bar sipping on overproofed rum and Coke. Recommended: the flavourful, fall off the bone oxtail ($13), or goat roti ($8). Not recommended: do not come here on weekends when it is busy, otherwise expect a non-responsive staff and a 2 hour wait time for your food. Definitely not cool.